For years, I believed I had to fight my autoimmune condition to live a full life. Every message I absorbed, from doctors, media, and even well-meaning friends, told me that “conquering” rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and dysautonomia was the goal.
And truthfully, I didn’t even need that external reinforcement; I’m a born optimist, and so I figured I would just “solve” the problem of my chronic illnesses and then move on to living a “normal” life.
I thought that once I got “back to normal,” then I could start living again. But that narrative kept me stuck. It was exhausting, disheartening, and honestly, built on an ableist foundation. It presumed that a meaningful life was only available to those in perfect health or people with “normal” bodies.
Over time and lots of therapy, I discovered something I have termed “The Acceptance Paradox” – while acceptance at first sounds like giving up or resignation, true acceptance (“taking what’s offered” and allowing and opening up to the present moment, regardless of whether things might get better in the future) is actually the opposite of giving up. Acceptance is the key to leaning fully into a full, vibrant life with the inevitable ups and downs of chronic illness.
It means that my happiness and joy are no longer defined by my ability to control all my symptoms! As an admitted control freak, this has been the most surprising and important evolution of my life to date. It’s changed not only my relationship to my chronic illness, but to my role as a parent, friend, daughter, wife and more.
The Shift: From Fighting to Allowing
Let me be clear — acceptance didn’t come easily to me. I like to joke that I was dragged kicking and screaming toward it.
In the words of Gloria Steinem:
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
I didn’t want to accept my chronic illnesses. I wanted to overcome them! I wanted to get a “gold star” in being the best patient ever and not being “held back” by my diseases.
But eventually, through personal experience, therapy, and my training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), I realized this truth: Acceptance isn’t resignation. It’s making space for what’s happening now so you can move forward with purpose.
What Acceptance Is (and Isn’t)
I’ve come to understand Acceptance, in the context of ACT, to mean the following:
- Taking what the present moment offers — even when it’s uncomfortable.
- Expanding to make room for pain, fear, or frustration — rather than trying to push it away.
- Refocusing on what you can control (like values-based action), rather than what you can’t (like flare-ups or uncertainty).
Contrary to perhaps your gut reaction to the word, in the context of ACT, “Acceptance” doesn’t mean:
- Giving up on your health or goals.
- Resigning yourself to endless suffering.
- Neglecting medical care or self-management strategies.
In fact, I believe true thriving comes from balancing two approaches:
- Fixing: Doing what you can to reduce symptoms and improve well-being.
- Accepting: Making room for life as it is, even when it’s not how you hoped it would be.
After facilitating support groups for people with rheumatoid arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, Sjogren’s Disease and other similar chronic illnesses for over five years, I’ve noticed that most people want to focus myopically on the “fixing” tools and neglect the “acceptance” ones.
The irony is that the sooner we accept the *need* for acceptance and adapting tools, the better positioned we are to thrive fully with our conditions. But it’s HARD, especially when society constantly bombards you with messaging that you need to “fix” or “heal” your condition.
Thriving With Chronic Illness
When I stopped waiting to be cured and started living with my illness, everything changed. I found joy again, in small, meaningful moments. I embraced a new kind of wholeness, and a more harmonious relationship with the inevitable and uncomfortable parts of chronic illness like pain and uncertainty. Instead of seeing these as always problems to be fixed, I learned to focus on what’s still possible in my life WITH these pesky realities. And that’s what’s truly set me free!
I’m sharing more about this journey in my upcoming talk at the FREE Virtual Sjogren’s Summit, July 17–19, 2025:
“The Acceptance Paradox: How I Stopped Fighting Chronic Illness and Learned to Thrive With It.”
In this talk, I’ll explore:
- Why acceptance felt like the last thing I wanted — and why it was exactly what I needed.
- The basics of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and how it helps with chronic pain and illness.
- How to use both “fixing” tools and “adapting” tools to support your well-being.
🎤 You can register for this free event, featuring a large variety of experts at: sjogrenssummit.com
Whether you live with RA, Sjogren’s, dysautonomia, or any other chronic condition, I hope this message encourages you to release the pressure to “win the battle” — and instead, explore what’s possible with your illness.
