After running rheumatic disease support groups for almost 3 years, I can confidently say that one of the MOST common sources of stress is: confusion over what we can control versus what we can’t control.
And let me tell you something from 19 years of experience living with rheumatoid arthritis: the sooner you learn to put your energy towards what you *can* control versus what you *can’t,* the more energy you have to focus on living a full, vibrant life with your disease.
It’s hard to separate what’s in our control versus out of our control!
If you have ever struggled with the gray zone between what you can versus can’t control, you’re not alone either. Here are some of the distinctions I’ve found helpful, and many in my Rheum to THRIVE program have found helpful as well:
✅ I can control: The words I say to others about my condition
🌟 I can’t control: Whether they choose to believe me
✅ I can control: How much value I give to my automatic thoughts/feelings
🌟 I can’t control: My automatic thoughts & feelings about my disease
✅ I can control: Whether I take my medications
🌟 I can’t control:Whether my medications work
✅ I can control: Which exercises / lifestyle things I choose to try
🌟 I can’t control: Whether these lifestyle changes work to control my disease or symptoms
Circles of control, influence and concern
I’m certainly not the first person to illustrate how helpful it is to discern between what we can and can’t control. The terms “Circle of control, circle of influence and circle of concern”” were coined in 1989 Stephen Covey in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.”
While living with rheumatic disease, for example, I find it helpful to distinguish between the things I can truly control (which time I attempt to go to sleep, for example), the things that I can influence (my pre-bedtime routines) and the things I’m concerned about but that I can’t ultimately control (when my brain decides to drift off into slumber, whether someone outside of me like a pet or child wakes me up, etc).
What do you think? If you disagree with anything I’ve written, I’m all for respectful debate!
Want more support coping with uncertainty and teasing out what you can versus can’t control?
If you’d like live, virtual help sorting through these issues in a supportive environment, don’t forget that my Rheum to THRIVE educational support group program registration is open through October 12, 2022 then closes again until spring 2023! Don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions you may have, I can’t wait to support more people on their rheumatic disease journeys soon!
This is brilliant and every helpful.
And, I would add to “What others chose to believe” these words: and what they say to me.
I like that addition, it’s true that we can’t control what others believe and say to us…if it’s someone we know well, their beliefs might be in our “circle of influence,” but ultimately their beliefs are not in our “circle of control!”
Whoops , that should have said–“very” helpful, not “every”!
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