Who else has been in the gray area?
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You’re *not* fully healthy or able bodied, but you’re still able to do *more* than someone who’s fully sick.
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You’re not “sick enough” to qualify for disability, but you’re “too sick” to take on an able-bodied person’s set of responsibilities.
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Your friends wonder why you were “too sick” yesterday to do something you can do today.
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Are you faking it?
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Are you using your health as an excuse?
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If you *really* wanted it, could you just push through…just this one time, your friends and family ask (not realizing perhaps that you are constantly *already* pushing yourself to the limit )?
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These questions aren’t always asked out loud…more often they’re subtly implied, or hinted…
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Those of us with chronic illnesses that fluctuate on a daily or hourly basis sometimes start to doubt our SELVES…maybe we *could* have pushed harder. Maybe we *did* want to “get out of” an annoying task.
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Living in the gray area is…confusing.
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Am I “normal person” tired from overdoing it yesterday, or “autoimmune disease” fatigued?
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Am I “normal person” overwhelmed, or has the stress I’ve been carrying from living in chronic pain finally transitioned into depression or an anxiety disorder?
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The harder question, ultimately for me, is: what is realistic for me to expect for my energetic, physical and mental abilities given my condition?
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When have I reached the milestone of “This is as good as it gets,” and it’s better to focus on maximizing my participation in life DESPITE my condition rather than focusing on “improving” it?
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Ultimately, this leads me to an mindfulness, acceptance based approach, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This approach has been invaluable as I’ve learned to cope with uncertainty.
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I used to think that the gray area was a “problem” to be solved, I just needed to talk to the right doctor or specialist who would tell me the black and white answer.
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Now, I know that uncertainty is, paradoxically, the only certainty in life!
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Learning to accept and tolerate uncertainty has been incredibly important for me to be able to fully participate in my life *despite* my condition.
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What about you? Let me know in the comments!
Thanks for your insights. I am newly diagnosed with RA and have come to acceptance and commitment fairly quickly on my own. A psychologist I have recently met with a few times wants me to grieve and feel things more. I am working on a balance, and not yet sure if she is dragging me down, or helping me work through things! I initially reached out to her due to feeling isolated (double isolated because everyone is isolated during this pandemic and a new, gray diagnosis on top of it exacerbates it). I may move on from her and just try to find a community of RA folks to address that isolation!